


I'm Coming || Shirabu Kenjirou x Reader

by gomen_tsuki



Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Established Relationship, F/M, Original Character Death(s), References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, relationship troubles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:23:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28973535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gomen_tsuki/pseuds/gomen_tsuki
Summary: "Take my name will you? it's selfish of me I know but th-that way I'll never leave you." Her voice was breaking now."I know, I know, Ayane. I love you to. So much, with all my heart. Know that too, please? I will forever love you, Nijimura Ayane." He whispered back.I'll come to you, Ayane. I swear on your life, on our love, I will come to you one day. Just wait for me, dearest.
Relationships: Semi Eita & Shirabu Kenjirou, Shirabu Kenjirou/Original Character, Shirabu Kenjirou/Original Female Character(s), Shirabu Kenjirou/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. Un

"Oi, Ayane." Your boyfriend called out and you hummed to show that you were paying attention but no sound came from him again. You felt your stomach grumble in hunger and you viciously grinned at the packet of chips in your hand. Pouring some out into a bowl, you clipped the open pack before joining your saltshaker of a boyfriend on the couch.

He lifted his head up, clearing some space for you. You plonked your ass down, curling your legs up and twisting yourself to lean against the armrest of the couch. Shirabu promptly dropped his head back on your lap before turning to his side to fix his light brown eyes on the screen.

"Want?" You asked around a mouthful of crisps and he twisted his head to look at you, his face scrunched up in disgust before reaching for the bowl in your hand. You swallowed and grinned, he was such a terrible tsundere.

Dusting your hands of the salty crumbs, you shifted under him to make yourself comfortable. You glanced down when you felt his shoulders tense up. He was staring at the screen with the amount of concentration that was not warranted for a documentary on how caramel chocolates were made. You frowned down at him and thought of asking what he was thinking about before deciding to leave it alone.

Shirabu tended to only close-up more when questioned what he was thinking about. He would never bring something up until he was sure it was something that had to be addressed. Over-thinking idiot. Of course you were even worse but he knew what he was getting into when he asked you out.

You gently placed your hand on his copper locks, slowly brushing them down and softly tapping on his head. His hair was annoyingly soft and fluffy, the uneven bangs that you loved tangled. It helped him calm him down apparently and the day that he had finally this confessed this was a dear, dear memory to you.

_-_

_The two you had been laying in bed that day, his head on your lap as he read one of his medicine textbooks and you read over his head, trying to understand the medical garble. Your hands automatically went to his hair as the need to fidget overtook them as you read with Shirabu. You could never sit completely still and study._

_You glanced down at him when you felt his neck jerking and slightly stiffening under your touch, the feeling must have broken his concentration. You silently raised an eyebrow at him as your dark brown eyes met his light hazel ones. The question in your eyes, **is this okay?** He shook his head a bit before going back to his book and you took his lack of complaint as an affirmative. You went back to twirling the strands of his hair as you furrowed your brow and struggled to understand the terms in the damned 1000 page textbook. _

_You eventually decided to concede defeat and leant back against the headboard. Grabbing your phone from the nightstand, you started to scroll through the apps you usually visited with the intent to double-check if there were any updates but you were quickly interrupted by Shirabu's indignant whine._

_"Hey!" He shouted, gooey brown eyes glaring at you and you stared back at him in confusion. What?_

_"Did you think I would seriously try to read your book? Kenji, hon, I know you think I can do things if I want to but I really doub-" You abruptly stopped talking when Shirabu twisted, hands grabbing yours before placing them back on his head._

_No way._

_No bloody way did Shirabu damn Kenjirou, the man infamous for being an annoying prick to people who didn't know him, actually want you to run your fingers through his hair._

_"Seriously?" You asked, not even able to hide the incredulity in your voice, the shock clearly visible on your face._

_"What? It's not like you're doing anything worthwhile." He stated bluntly and you would be offended if he wasn't still stubbornly holding your hand to his hair. You stared at him blankly, the way his cheeks slowly reddened under your gaze not missing your attention._

_As if he knew that he was not going to get by this with some smart-ass comment, he turned his gaze away. "It just feels nice, okay? It's relaxing when I study." His voice was soft as he spoke, as if he thought that you would laugh at or reprimand him._

_You felt your heart crack as he slowly dropped the hand that held yours to his hair and turned away, burying his face into your thigh. Holy fuck, holy fuck. Shirabu Kenjirou was embarrassed and cuddling into you to hide it. You muttered a short "kill me now", before pulling your legs out from under him and quickly shuffling down so that you now lay with him._

_"Why the fucking hell are you so cute, you goddamn brat." You groaned, pulling him into you and he compliantly came letting his head be buried in your chest. His lean arms wrapped around your waist and he tangled his legs with yours before taking a deep breathe in. You felt your heart beating nervously as the two of you lay there in each others arms._

_"Calm the hell down. I can hear your heart pounding." He said smoothly and you blushed in embarrassment. Fucking cocky bastard._

_"Says the person who doesn't seem the least bit bothered by it and is quite determinedly burrowing himself in my chest. Just shut up for once, will ya Kenji?"_

_The two of you had stayed like that for about half an hour before he remembered that he was supposed to be studying._

_-_

"Kenji, you good?" You asked, staring at him in concern as he got up from your lap before reaching for the remote and switching the tv off. His brow was slightly wrinkled in thought, his lips pressed in a line as if he was didn't know if he should speak or not. 

"I- Can I ask you something?" His voice came hesitantly and you frowned as you straightened up on the couch, placing the now empty bowl on the little coffee table.

"Course you can."

"What do you think about-" He abruptly cut himself off, shaking his head to himself. You felt worry and anxiety build in your stomach, making you feel more and more sick as the seconds slowly ticked by. This wasn't what you were thinking it was, right? There's no way he would suddenly break up with you after 2 years, would he?

"Do you want to have kids?" The question came out calmly and the first thing you felt was the relief flooding through your veins. He wasn't breaking up with you, he just- Wait- HE WHAT?!

"What the hell?!" You stared at Shirabu with wide eyes, thinking he had finally lost it. Never, _never_ in a thousand years had he ever said anything like that nor did you think that he ever would.

"Do you want kids?" He repeated simply, staring at you. Clearly waiting for you to give him some kind of answer, he stood up to join you and in the recesses of your mind you had the dull thought of when had you even stood up.

You quite literally felt the cogs of your brain slowly turning, trying to comprehend the nonsense Shirabu was spouting. He was already thinking about kids when you hadn't even discussed anything about marriage or stuff like that? Then again, you were also guilty of fantasizing how having a little family with Shirabu would be like but that's all that they ever were. Fantasies. 

You had never tried to plan things too much in detail, things tended to go wrong then. So, while you did see yourself with Shirabu in the future, you hadn't yet dared to think about marriage or kids. You felt your mind going in huge spirals trying to figure out where Shirabu was coming from until you stopped... Did he mean _that_?

"Is that your new way of saying you want to have sex?" You questioned outright. 

"What?! No! What the hell are you saying!?" He shouted as he threw you a judgmental look. "I'm being serious here, Ayane. What do you think about having kids?" 

"I-" You trailed of, not knowing how to start explaining it. You had your own fixed views and ideas about having your own kids but you weren't really sure how to get it across to Shirabu in such a way that he'd understand. You knew from the stories that your mother told you as well as the things you read that pregnancy was a bitch.

Not only did you go quite literally crazy during those aggravating nine months but your mother had told you more than a million times that giving birth was the most painful thing a woman would ever go through, short of torture probably though you guessed. Your mother had only said that so you would take care not to get knocked up accidently but not only had it done that but also resulted in you being quite scared of the idea of going through it. The thing was, you were very and you meant _very_ averse to anything dealing with pain. If it was something for a short amount of time you could live through it but you knew that labor could stretch up to nine hours at times and that terrified the living daylights out of you. 

How do you tell to this a man who will never even be able to comprehend this? You knew Shirabu would try his best to understand but at the end he wouldn't... be able to relate. 

Sensing your hesitance, Shirabu walked towards you and took your hands in his calloused ones. Keeping one hand to hold both of yours, he gently lifted your face up to face him with his other hand before going to caress your cheek.

"Ayane." He said nothing but your name and you felt your heart twinge with affection at the adoration you heard from the 3 syllables. _He deserves to know what my thoughts are_.

Taking a deep breath, you slowly removed his hands from yours and took a step back to clear your head. 

"I don't know if I want to have children." You said in one swell swoop. You felt your throat constrict when you saw him narrow his eyes at you before looking away and clearing his throat. His hands fell away from your face.

"I see...why?" he asked as he turned back to face you, his eyes becoming a bit sharp. You shrunk into yourself a bit, Shirabu was really scary when he was actually pissed.

"I- Uhh..it's just that having children is a big responsibility, Kenji. I don't really think we're suited to have kids, right now at least!" You squeaked out the last part as you could see the annoyance building in his eyes. He stood silently watching you, and thinking that he wanted a further explanation you continued. 

"You just started working at the practice this year and you have a bit of a way until you reach a comfortable spot. I'm also in not that comfortable a position, if we plan on having a kid we need to be able to at least pull the strings on our schedules. Probably if I get a few promotions and you maybe start your own practice or if Notori-sensei gives you the position of the head doctor, we'll be in a comfortable place to talk about kids. But... I really don't think we can raise kids now."

You slowly stopped talking, watching Shirabu as a conflict of emotions battled within him. To yourself you made some sense, hopefully he'd see it too.

"So you're fine with having kids in the future just not now. Right?" He asked and you gulped. Well crabcakes, he really wasn't going to let this go.

"Umm, maybe?" The word came out more like a question and you winced as Shirabu's eyes grew wide. 

"Ayane, are you playing with me? This is a serious discussion. You can't just joke around."

"Look! You want the truth?! Fine! I'm scared okay! I like my life a lot right now, our life!" You explained frustrated as your voice slowly rose in volume. "Do you even know how much work a child is Kenji?! Huh? They cry all the times, they need to be fed every few hours, they're basically pooping machines, they need constant care and you can't take your eyes off them!" You took a deep breathe trying to calm yourself but you knew that you were far from done. You glanced at Shirabu who was staring at you with a stunned expression on his face before going off again.

"We hardly have time for each other, Kenji! You come home exhausted on most days and I'm working till almost 11 on most nights. How could you expect both of us to take care of a child, to play with it?! We'd just end up fighting, blaming each other, placing the responsibility on the other's shoulders! I-" Your voice broke but you were determined to finish what you had started.

"I don't want that for us, Kenji." Your voice became softer as you called his name. You felt tired even though today was Sunday and it was just the afternoon, your shoulders slumped and you hung your neck in acceptance. This issue could no longer be swept under the rug.

"Why?" He repeated his question, voice hard and you looked up from where you had been staring at the floor to look at him. You flinched and involuntarily took a small step back as you met his eyes. They were burning with fury, flames that could burn down worlds alit in them. 

"Why the hell do you think we can't work together? Why in the world are you convinced we'll be at each other's throat? Why do you think that I won't even try to help? Is that your opinion of me?" His voice dripped with venom as he took large strides towards you. Only then did you realise how easily your words could be misunderstood. 

The way you had spoken made it seem like you were blaming him. Like he was the reason the two of you wouldn't be able to deal with a child. 

"Kenji, no. I didn't mean it like that-" You dug your nails into your palm to stop them from shaking and you shook your head vigorously in denial. 

"Then pray tell what you meant." He growled as he slowly leant towards you. You could hear your heart beating like a hummingbird's wings in your chest and you found your chest slightly heaving as you took in deep breaths. _Adrenaline rush_ , whispered a quiet, idiotic voice in your head that clearly could not read the room. Clearly flipping through Shirabu's books had made their imprint on you. You would have laughed if your boyfriend was not currently glaring at you like he wanted to choke you. 

"I-" You exhaled through your mouth and took a step back so Shirabu wasn't right up in your face. You had to de-escalate this situation before it got out of hand. You knew from past fights that he was extremely short-tempered and once angry he became even more stubborn and mule-headed. 

"Kenji, I'm not saying it's you who'll cause problems or anything like what you said. Just that we're not mature enough as a couple to think about it. I don't think you won't help, it's just my personal opinion on the topic." You stumbled with the words, trying to frame them so that you wouldn't provoke him even more. 

"WHY?! What do you suddenly have against kids?! Aren't you the one who coos at all the children in the park, huh?! So why are you suddenly so averse to having our own?" He shouted and you felt a deep feral rage build up in your gut. All thoughts of giving him a bit of rope in case he felt you were blaming him flew out of your mind. You didn't see why you had to keep explaining yourself. 

It was your bloody choice. It was _your_ body. It was _you_ who would have to go through all that hell, why was he acting like he could force his decision on you?

"Don't make me sound like I'm some goddamn child-rearing factory you fucking asshole! I've already told you why I don't want to have kids now, why do you keep pushing me?! It's my fucking choice!" You yelled back at him, eyes now clearly displaying your murderous intent, matching his intensity. Any hopes of trying to reach a middle ground or establish a basic agreement quickly turned to ashes. 

If he was going to act like this, so would you. 

"Are _you_ the one who will be waking up with morning sickness for a month? Are _you_ the one who'll have the most random cravings or urges? Are _you_ the one who'll be a fucking hormonal mess? Are _you_ the one who has to deal with your body basically becoming a bloated balloon?" You were screaming now, your hands waving around, occasionally pointing at the man standing in front of you. 

"Will _you_ have to deal with the goddamn pain and pure agony of having a full human being popping out of your body? Will _you_ have to deal with a post-pregnancy body? Will _you_ be having a damn child chewing on you for a year?!" Hysteric now. You had only blown up like this once before when the two of you had almost broken up. 

There were tears flowing down your face now. Why? You weren't sad, just frustrated. Frustrated that he wasn't listening to you, he wasn't trying to see it from your point. Sure some women were fine with the changes that came along with having child, it was worth it for them but why did that have to mean you should be fine with it? **Why couldn't he see it?**

"Will you, Kenjirou?" Your voice was hoarse now, lips quivering. You looked up at him from teary eyes, his figure slightly blurred as a result. He was silent now, simply watching you as tears streamed down your cheeks.

"Thought so." You gave him a small smile when he didn't say anything. You quickly wiped your tears with the back of your hand before stepping away from him and clearing your throat. 

"I'm going to spend a few days somewhere else, okay?" You managed to get out as you walked away from the living room, leaving him alone. You walked to the bedroom the two of you shared and quickly snatched a duffle bag, stuffing whatever came to your hand. Innerwear, t-shirts, an extra pair of jeans. You went to the bathroom and grabbed your toiletries, adding that hastily to the bag.

"Where will you go? Your mom's?" His voice brought you out of the almost daze that you were operating in.

"Huh, I-" Your voice broke and you looked away from him as you cleared your throat. You had ended up shouting a lot.

"I'll figure it out." You said as you zipped the bag and started to head for the door. You refused to look at him as you walked by him, averting your eyes instead to the other side of the room. You knew if you met his gaze you'd just start crying all over again, this time more pathetically. As you stood in the entrance, shoving your feet into your sneakers, you became hyper-aware of his eyes never once leaving your form. You fumbled with the laces, fingers still shaking a bit and you heard the sharp inhale he drew when he noticed the tremors.

"Should I leave instead? It'll be more comfortable here." You felt your lips going up in the slightest form of a smile. He was still worried about you even though he was angry. You shook your head in refusal. If you stayed here in the same place where the two of you had shared so many memories you would probably break down for real this time. You never knew how he always managed to stay.

"It's fine, you'll need your books anyway." You explained in a soft voice and you glanced up at him from your shoes to see his reaction. His eyes had widened, his lips parting and moving to say something before he thought better of it and finally looked away from you.

"I'll text you... later." You choked out as you grabbed the bag and opened the door. He nodded and followed you till the doorway. 

"Be- Please be safe." He said and you shot him a sad smile. Your eyes caught sight of how his one hand was tightly gripping the other, as if he was trying to physically stop his body from moving. His eyes were downcast, lips constantly being worried by his teeth. If your heart didn't feel so constrained you would have embraced him and told him that the two of you would work something out. It was what you had done the previous times you had fought and left the house, given him a final assurance that the two of you would be fine.

But not this time. You couldn't even find it in your heart to tell him goodbye before walking away. He couldn't do this to you. He couldn't ask you for your opinion, your thoughts and then refuse to accept them.

You clutched the straps of the bag as you slowly walked away from the place you called home. 


	2. Deux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide attempts, please don't read this if you're currently struggling with emotional or psychological issues. Read at your own discretion!!
> 
> However if you just love angst and want to truly wreck yourself while reading this then listen to "Hymn for the Missing" nightcore during the emotional part.

Shirabu paced up and down the living room as he waited for Ayane to arrive. According to the message she had sent the day she left; she would return today afternoon. He hadn't gotten any message from her after that even after he sent her about 30 messages but knowing how clumsy and forgetful his beloved was, he guessed that she had probably broken her phone and forgotten his number.

He smiled as he thought about how he'd chide her and tell her to take better care of her things. He missed her so goddamn much. He missed the goofy smile she'd give him when something she thought funny would happen, missed how she would insult and roast herself before he could, missed how she would laugh at all of his sarcastic comments. He missed her whole damn presence and Asmodeus be damned if he wasn't taking her to bed tonight and making sure she wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow morning. (Shirabu didn't know how he knew the Prince of Hell that represented Lust but he had a feeling it was related to Ayane's long speeches.)

Everything from the way she played with his hair to make him relax, to the way she would play with her lips when she was thinking, to the way her cheeks puffed out and she became a damn marshmallow when she slept. Dear lord, he needed this woman in his life.

He was determined to make this work, make _them_ work.

They'd clear up this whole idiotic kid fiasco he had brought up and they'd go back to being just them. Ayane and Kenji. 

Now that he thought about it, he didn't even know why he cared so much about it. As long as he got to be with Ayane he would be alright. It didn't matter if she didn't want kids, or get married or anything of that sort. She could probably hate Christmas and be the Grinch for all he cared. He'd still want and love her. He remembered vaguely how he had been determined before about convincing Ayane about kids. He had always wanted a family. the whole package of a wife with a few children, visiting grandparents on holidays, teaching them sports and helping them with their homework. He guessed that her refusal must have been a shock to him which was why he acted like he had.

But all these days made him realise something. He did not care how his life went as long as she was beside him. As long as he could come home to her sleeping form, lazily calling him to come to bed through sleep-lidded eyes. 

He had also ended up not going to work all these days. He had been surprised as well when the clinic had called him and told him he could take a week off. And so Shirabu Kenjirou had had 5 days to simply sit and stew about the stupid fight the two of you had. Suddenly a frown came across his face, hadn't some of his friends come to visit him? Yeah, he remembered some of his friends from medical college as well as his teammates from his high school volleyball club had visited him.

Yeah, he remembered Tendou-san had visited with some pie and he had carefully kept some of it in the fridge for you. He knew you loved all kind of meat pies. 

What had that been about? He curled his fingers into a fist as he struggled to remember what they had come to talk to him about. It was something important. He remembered somber faces and grave voices talking in a low tone. But...why couldn't he remember what they had talked about?

Shirabu felt the smallest traces of panic and uncertainty settle in his chest as he blinked and blankly stared around the room. Was this... some sort of amnesia? Shirabu had studied medicine for 6 years, he could well enough diagnose himself with a problem but right when he was wondering if he should make an appointment with a specialist the bell rang. 

_Ding dong._

_Ayane!_ Shirabu quickened his pace to the reach the door as he thought about meeting his significant other. A large grin naturally appeared on his face and he internally grimaced knowing how much she'd tease him later for the smile on his face. Oh screw it, as long as he got to hold her he'd put up with some teasing. 

He quickly unlocked the door, opening it wide ready to take his lover into his arm when he stopped short at the sight of the man in front of him. 

"Oh, Semi-san." He exclaimed not having the energy to hide his disappointment, already feeling his smile dropping into his usual poker face.

"Shirabu, hey. Can I come in?" The older ash-haired man asked and Shirabu felt his eyebrow twitch in annoyance. Ayane would be back home any minute, did he have to come now?

“Of course, what can I do for you senpai?” He spoke bluntly leading the other to the living room. He glanced at the watch on his wrist, he didn’t know what exact time she would be back but she had said “afternoon” and it was around 2 now so she could be back any minute now.

“What- Shirabu, what are you doing?” Shirabu turned to the older male who had spoken, his voice sounding shaky. He frowned as he noticed how pale Semi-san had turned as he stared at the dining table that Shirabu had set.

“What happened senpai? You look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“You-you set the table for two? Why did you set the table for two?! I didn’t tell you that I was coming?!” Semi shouted as he anxiously turned to Shirabu. What the hell was wrong with him? He was pretty sure that he had already introduced Ayane to the whole team.

“One’s for Ayane, don’t think that highly of yourself senpai. I’m not going to go around trying to figure out when you’re going to visit and prepare for you.” He said as politely as he could manage, giving his senior a judging look. He could expect Tendou-san to act weirdly, Semi-san not really. Was he seriously alright up there?

“Shirabu-" Shirabu paid more attention to his senior as his voice was noticeably shaking now. His eyes grew wide as he took in the fact that Semi’s hands were shaking and there was fear and concern laced in the dark brown eyes that stared at him.

“Ayane died, Shirabu. Did you forget?” His voice was nothing more than a whisper but the sentence seemingly echoed loudly to Shirabu. What? 

"Wh-What? Sem-Semi-san, that's not a funny thing to say." Shirabu as he felt the world spin, his head was aching suddenly. Ayane dead? No way. This was a probably a horrible practical joke she was pulling on him to make him regret picking a fight with her.

"It-It's true. The taxi she was in got in an accident. She and the driver died from the collision." Semi's voice was soft, but it felt like he was screaming in Shirabu's head. 

_Dead, dead, dead, dead_. The word revolved around his mind. Dead- what did that mean again? He remembered studying about it. Studying, ah, what did he study again? he couldn't remember anything anymore.

"It was on the 26th. We've been coming to visit you everyday. Tendou said that the last time he came, you believed that she was still alive. We asked a doctor and she said that you're probably hallucinating and having temporary memory loss to cope. Your mind can't deal with the truth so it's forcing you to believe in something else. It's called grief hallucinations."

No, no, no, no. Ayane can't be dead. She can't-

The meaning suddenly came to him. _Dead- no longer living, no longer in this world_.

"AGHH!" Shirabu screamed as he covered his ringing ears with his palms. He didn't want to hear anything else that Semi had to say.

"NO, NO, NO! AYANE IS NOT DEAD! SHE'S COMING! SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE'S COMING BACK TODAY-" Shirabu grabbed Semi by the collar, shaking him. He saw tears falling down the man's face. No, no, don't cry. She's fine. Ayane's fine. Stop acting like I'll never see her again!

"Shirabu, she's gone." It was that one sentence that broke him, that one barely audible statement.

"Ayane! Come back! AYANE!" Shirabu sobbed as fell to the ground, he curled into himself. How did this happen? No, this couldn't happen to us. Not to her. 

Shirabu felt a sharp piercing sensation in the back of his skull, like someone was forcing a long, hot scorching iron nail into his brain. Another unhinged scream erupted from his mouth as everything came back to him in a huge wave that suffocated him.

The phone call from her mother, the frantic almost manic drive to the hospital, the sudden numbness he felt when he saw her limp cold body, marred by bruises and large scars. The same body that he had reverently kissed and made love to. The eyes that had stared at him like he was the world and always sparkled with mischief and smiles, now were staring blankly at the ceiling, lids never once moving. He remembered consoling her mother, remembered handling some paperwork, remembered driving back and coming home.

Remembered the way he had completely lost his mind the minute he had shut the front door behind his back. Remembered how he had crawled to the kitchen and grabbed the knife, only stopping when he caught sight of a note written in her handwriting. He had held that note and cried the whole night. When morning had come the next day, he remembered his going over to Ayane's family's house, feeling completely numb all the while. After that everything blurred together in a jumble of consoling and being consoled, offering condolence and being offered condolences.

It all made sense now. The visits, the leave from the clinic, the blanks in his memory, the complete lack of response from you no matter what he did. 

"Ayane, Ayane, Ayane!" He sobbed as he muttered her name over and over again as if that could bring her back.

"Shirabu, stop!" He tried to turn and glare at his senpai but he dully noted that Semi was holding his collapsed, convulsing form on the floor, pining his arms to his body as he held him in his arms. _Why is he holding me?_

"Get off me!" Shirabu threw his head back, slamming his skull into Semi's and the older promptly yelped and let him go as he went to clutch his forehead where Shirabu had effectively head-butted him. 

"I'm fine, why the fuck were you holding me?!" Shirabu shouted at the ash-haired musician as he glared. _Distract yourself, distract yourself._ He repeated the words to himself, that would stop the pain, right? It would stop his heart from exploding and shrinking into ash at the same time. 

"Because you were trying to choke yourself, Shirabu!!" He yelled back and for some reason that stilled Shirabu. He gingerly touched his neck and realised that the skin there did in fact burn. He walked towards a cabinet and stared at his reflection. Around his neck were red marks that went all around and easily looked the width of his hand. 

"Does it matter?" His voice was normal now. Hoarse from the all screaming but back to its regular tone and volume. 

"What? Shirabu, you have to be kidding me-" Semi was going to continue but stopped when the younger copper-haired man turned to him. He saw that the waterfalls that had been cascading from his eyes had stopped too. His face held his normal, no-nonsense expression. His eyes though. His eyes showed he was an empty hollow of a man. 

Semi had seen a wide range of expressions in those light brown orbs. He had seen judgement, incredulity, concentration and a fighting spirit in them during high school. He had seen frustration, anger, desperation, determination during the beginning of his college years. But more recently he had seen joy, fulfilment and purpose in them. He had seen love in them. Love that managed to change the sharp-tongued ex-setter into someone with softer edges, someone with empathy and compassion. Love that had been given to him by someone who could no longer walk by his side.

"Does it matter anymore? Does anything?" His eyes were hollow. Mere shadows of his past self. Semi couldn't handle it. He broke down. How could he not? His aggravating junior was looking at him so lifelessly that it felt to Semi like he had died. In a way he had. What could he say? What could he possibly say to convince Shirabu? He wasn't in any position to give him any advice, he couldn't even fathom how he felt. 

"Hahah, don't cry senpai. It's not your fault." Shirabu smiled at him and Semi cried even harder. 

Shirabu took a deep breathe in, accepting his fate. He felt comforted now, knowing that he could join Ayane wherever she had gone. He would die too, he would follow her and tell her what a fool she was for making him go through all this. He glanced at his senpai, friend and former teammate bawling on the floor. He felt his lips turn up in dry humor. How the tables had turned. He felt guilty subjecting his senior to this but he had to. He knew that he could not physically continue without his love. 

"I can't go on without her. I did it, Semi-san. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell anyone before or maybe it didn't even strike my mind. But we had a huge fight before she left, she took a bag and everything. She left the house and was in that cab because of me and my stupid mouth, senpai. I should have been the one to leave." He saw Semi look up from where he was crouching on the floor, his eyes wide as he stared at Shirabu. Shirabu simply nodded.

"I killed her." The sentence resolved his mind, the last wondering doubt erased. This was his punishment.

"Are you fucking stupid?! SHIRABU!? Shirabu, where the fuck are you going?!" He heard Semi scream, his voice maniacal, he walked towards the kitchen paying no heed to his shouts. The loud thump of someone falling to the floor caught his ear. Yeah, your legs were never strong enough to support your weight if you had effectively broken down. Shirabu spoke from personal experience. 

He hesitated as he took the large meat knife in his hand. Wasn't subjecting Semi-san to this to cruel? He didn't care if he died but he didn't want his senior to blame himself. Could he manage to convince him that he wasn't in fact suicidal and send him home? No, that wouldn't work. What the hell should he do then? 

His eyes suddenly caught sight of the aprons hanging from a hook and he felt himself gag. He felt positively sick. Those were the cheesy him-and-her ones that Ayane had brought for them in the event that they cooked together. In a daze he tightened his grip on the knife before stumbling towards the blue apron. Picking up, he ignored the pink one that she had designated as his despite it having "His girl" embroidered on it. 

He stared blankly at the turquoise embroidered "Her man" before clutching it to his chest and burying his face into the cloth. They hadn't been able to do so much that she had wanted to. They had only used these maybe once or twice. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, my dearest. I love you so much. I hope you knew, I wish I had told you. I wish I had never let you leave. I wish I had never pushed you. I wished I never brought up that damn topic. _I wish, I wish, I_ -" Shirabu started sobbing into the soft piece of cotton finding comfort in the faintest scent of her on it.

He took a deep breath and holding the apron tightly in one and he steadied the blade in the other. 

"Wait! WAIT, SHIRABU PLEASE!" The voice was much closer now and Shirabu whirled around to find Semi leaning against the doorframe, scrolling through his phone faster than Shirabu had ever seen him interested in the device. 

"Sh-She managed to leave a voice recording somehow. She was singing and recording herself so the authorities said it was easy for her to do so. They managed to get the recording, just listen to it before you do anything."

He could hear her voice again? Hear her sweet, sweet voice singing again? He would do anything if it meant getting her back for no matter how short the time may be. 

"Ap-Apparently she mentioned you, and her mum and brother." 

Shirabu dropped the knife immediately. What did she say? What had she thought about as life bleed out of her? Was she happy? Could she smile as she remembered her life? _Their life?_

"Pl-Play it." He demanded and he saw Semi throw a glance at him and the knife now laying ignored on the floor. 

"Let's go to your bedroom and only when I lock the door will I play it." Shirabu nodded, just wanting to hear it. As soon as the shift had been made and door been locked, Shirabu tensed. Wha-What if she blamed him? What if her last words to him were ones of hatred and accusation? Before he could second-guess his decision, Semi started playing. 

The first thing audible was ragged breathing. Breathing that just from hearing, Shirabu knew that the other person wouldn't make it. He was a doctor after all. 

"I don't feel anything, that's probably worse than feeling I guess." Her strained voice came followed by a fit of painful sounding coughs and deep breaths.

Shirabu felt tears flowing down his face again. His love, his light, his life. She was dying and she knew it, so what did she do? Crack a joke. He laughed weakly as he wiped the tears away, leaning towards the phone even more to not miss a single syllable coming from her lips. 

"Mom, I fucking love you so much." He could hear the fierceness with which she conveyed her love. He knew that Ayane had adored her mother but this-this passion was breaking his heart. 

"Thank you so much for everything, I'm so-" The sound of vehicles and sirens ringing in the background drowned her for a bit and he heard a sharp gasp followed by a small cry of pain. Why was she forcing herself? If she hadn't, would she be alive? Could this last reserve of energy that she was steadily depleting have been able to save her? Given her those needed extra minutes the paramedics needed to reach her?

"Sorry I'm going first. Forgive me, but please, _please_ know I love you so much. I will never ever stop. From the grave and beyond, I will be with you I promise. Hatori, my idotic brother-" Another fit of coughs and groans of pains. _Stop, stop Ayane. You're wasting these precious breaths._

"Never give up. I love how much you know, you taught me so much. So much. Those late night talks we had? Promise you'll have them with your daughter? Heil!" She started laughing but those chuckles turned into violent heaving noises and Shirabu felt his stomach churn. If he had eaten anything, he'd have thrown up by now. 

"Eat your almonds now, okay? For me, I love you. Be healt-" She cut herself off as a scream tore its way through her lungs. Shirabu ducked his head between his knees, holding the sides of his temple. He knew that she was saying all those inside jokes she shared with her brother to probably ease his pain when he listened to this but it was slowly killing Shirabu from inside. Twisting his gut, clawing at his heart until it bled hopelessly. Just knowing that she was in so much pain, had been suffering so much was greater torture than anything Shirabu could have done to himself. 

"It's not that bad, I promise okay? Just hurts." her voice faltered, and Shirabu noticed how it was slowly becoming softer and softer. She was dying, this was her dying. The life had actually been draining from her, her heartbeat becoming softer and softer, her senses slowly dulling. _She must have been so scared_. So truly terrified. But there she was trying to make sure that she could properly comfort her loved ones. 

An ugly sob ripped through Shirabu's body as he fell from the edge of the bed where he had been sitting, to kneel on the floor. He wrapped his arms around himself, digging his fingers into his chest until he felt his ribs. 

"Kenji," He heard his heart shatter when his name parted from her lips. "Kenji, Kenji. I love you, I love you, I'll love you for the rest of your life." 

"AYANE!" He screamed her name out, his hands were buried in his scalp pulling on his hair. Something, just something to distract him from the pain in his chest. 

"I want 4 kids. One set of twins, a girl and a boy." He immediately stilled. No, no. He did not want her to spend her last few breaths trying to reconcile the idiotic fight he had picked. 

"No, no, no. Don't talk about that, Ayane. Tell me something else." He crawled to where the phone lay on the bed, picking it up and cradling it in his hands. 

"I'd like it if you fall in love again someday..." her voice trailed of and he shouted. No! No way was her last words to him going to be that he find love again!!!

"NOOO, Ayane-" his voice broke on her name, "Don't say that to me. Don't be so cruel. Please I beg you. Don't let those be your last words to me. Don't die." His voice growing quieter and quieter with each plea to her. He silently cried, his body shaking as he rocked himself back and forth on his knees.

"But I know how stubborn you are. You probably all out said 'no' right now, right?" He felt the smallest, tiniest sense of relief flow into his heart as he heard her tired laugh.

"I'm so tired Kenji. I'm-I'm so scared." Her voice broke and Shirabu slumped down to the floor, clutching the handheld device to his chest as if he could pass on the embrace to her. 

"I know. I know, honey. But I love you, I love you too, so fucking much. You're the bravest woman I've ever met." He muttered to himself, closing his eyes. Maybe these words would somehow reach her. Maybe she would at least feel how much he loved her. How proud he was of her.

"I wish I could have married you. I-" He felt his heart tighten. His eyes grew wide as the recording slowly grew quieter, no. Was she...gone? No, he wanted to hear more. He wanted to listen to her voice, hear her talk about them. What they'd do in their future. 

"I'm going, Kenji." He gulped as he listened. His eyes stung from the excessive weeping, his skin tight. He tightened his grip on the phone. He could hear the fear in her voice, the pure terror gripping her every syllable and breath. "You'll be going somewhere much better, sweetest. You'll be loved there, taken care of and protected." Shirabu whispered to the phone as if Ayane could hear him speaking on the other side. He had never believed in god, a higher deity, heaven or hell. He always thought that people were just dead after they passed on but now, now he would fight anyone who claimed that heaven didn't exist. 

The love of his life deserved nothing better than pure bliss and to have all her needs and wants attended to. He prayed and prayed that she would at least be able to live in the afterlife peacefully, it was the only way he could remain sane. 

"Take my name will you? it's selfish of me I know but th-that way I'll never leave you. Live the life we would have had. I'm sorry I left without telling you how - I love you... you know don't you?" Her voice was breaking now, words barely audible to him above the cackle of the phone's poor quality and the chaos occurring around her.

"I know, I know, Ayane. I love you to. So much, with all my heart. Know that too, please? I will forever love you, Nijimura Ayane." He whispered back, rivulets never stopping their course from his eyes to his cheekbones before falling to the floor. 

"I know you love me too despite anything you say.... Kenjirou? Live your life. Don't blame yourself like I know you're doing. I'll be waiting..." Shirabu couldn't even respond. He was shuddering violently while weeping, curled on the floor. 

"My family, my love. I forever cherish you." Shirabu stilled as the confession was followed by a few pain gasps and finally a dull thud. 

Shirabu forced his eyes shut, curling up into an even tighter ball, his hands clutching his shirt until his knuckles turned white. 

**_I'll come to you, Ayane. I swear on your life, on our love, I will come to you one day. Just wait a little longer for me._**

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly started crying while writing about how Shirabu totally unraveled when Semi told him. I had actual tears falling down my face while writing the recording Ayane left. Why I tortured myself like this I don't know ಥ_ಥ


End file.
